Yeah, but did you hear the one about . . . ?
(May be unsuitable for non-goalies)
(Do not necessarily reflect my personal opinions)
Pet Peeves of Hockey Goaltenders
- Drunk fans who toss Hostess Ding Dongs towards the net.
- Players at parties who want to turn mask upside-down and fill it up with bean dip.
- Pads give appearance that they have really big butts.
- Every day, for the rest of their life, they will not have a good reason for dropping anything ever again.
- Frostbite caused by leg split.
- When trainer replaces normal water in bottle with sparkling Folgerís Crystals.
- Goal judges at away games who constantly make wisecracks about "burning out the goal lamp."
- Fans who ask, "Can I have your autograph, Mr. Roy???" (pronounced as itís spelled)
- When jealous back-up goalie follows them around in locker room screaming, "Hey, glove THIS, pal!!!"
- Smart-Alecs that toss beach balls at the net.
- Letting those beach balls in.
- Always annoying death threats from opposition upon stopping a 2-1.
- Always annoying death threats from teammates upon letting in a 2-1.
- Always annoying death threats from fans upon stepping onto the ice.
- When you flip the ref the bird behind the blocker, they can't even tell.
Good Things About Being a Hockey Goaltender
- Halloween costume? No problem!
- Detroit Red Wing goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.
- Can check out the babes or guys rinkside without them even knowing.
- Slash all you want; they send someone else to the box.
- Padding gives the impression youíre really buffed.
- Helmet allows you to double as Darth Vader in any upcoming "Star Wars."
- Can get inventive nickname like "Eddie."
- Bruises can really bring out the color in your eyes.
- Two words: Bigger Stick.
20 Fun Things To Do If You're an Ice Hockey Goalie
- One word: Salt.
- Before the game, secretly switch the green and red light bulbs around.
- Slash, hook and spear every opposing player who comes within 3 feet of your crease, then point and laugh at your teammates when they have to go to the box for you.
- After you cover the puck, and the ref blows the whistle, quickly put the puck in yours shorts before the ref can pick it up and tell him to "come and get it."
- Moon the goal cam.
- Get into a shouting match with your stick and then tell the ref you refuse to play until the stick apologizes.
- If you're on the bench start giving away all the sticks on the rack to the fans sitting behind you.
- Every time an announcement is made over the PA system drop to you knees and start screaming, "Not the voices again!"
- Every time the opposing team scores remove one piece of your equipment.
- Fill your teammates' water bottles with vodka and watch the fun.
- As soon as the trainers finish putting all your equipment on you, say out loud, "Hey, you know what astronauts can do right in their suits?" Then watch the fun as they scramble to pull the equipment off again.
- During the face off, stand next to your defenseman as if you're a skater too.
- When someone scores a hat trick, grab all the hats off the ice as you can and stuff them in your jersey.
- Using hockey tape, put a large bulls eye in the middle of your chest.
- Using hockey tape, put "(Insert name of opponents' enforcer here) Sucks!" on the back of your teammates' jerseys.
- Rub Ben Gay on the inside of your teammates' cups.
- Pour crazy glue inside your teammates' cups.
- When the trainer isn't looking, throw a red sick into the washing machine with the white home jerseys (but make sure to take yours out!)
- Before the game starts, go up to the opposing team, start crying, and say, "Please don't score on me! My coach beats me if I let a puck in!" Then, when the ref comes to take you back to your crease, start screaming, "No! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!"
- Position yourself in front of the goal cam and proceed to scratch your rear end.
Top Nine Reasons Why You Just Let That One In
- Me and my defense got involved in the "Tastes great, less filling" Debate
- Tried to read the "Vulcanized" label on the side.
- Slipped on this stupid ice; someone should get some salt on that!
- Was still laughing at that last list.
- Misunderstood "Butterfly Save"; now sad to report one less monarch flying around.
- Sun got in my eyes.
- Misunderstood use of trapper; let in a goal, but got a lovely fur coat.
- Wait, Iím the backup!! Go talk to El-Sieve-o over there!!!
- Yeah, like YOU would get in front of that!
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Goalie
- Keeps telling the Goal Judge to "Get ready!"
- Mask painted like Malibu Barbie.
- On the net with his squeeze bottle is a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
- Wearing Magooesque glasses over his mask.
- You find him in a fetal position in the corner of the net.
- Ice level microphone keeps picking up sounds of him praying.
- He's wearing a Virtual Reality mask.
- Keeps using his big stick to tenderize meat.
- Technique for stopping breakaways: Fake Seizures.
- Tries not to get hit by the puck.
Top Ten Ways To Make Goaltending More Interesting
- A pool hall is added in the changing room.
- A goal crease that extends to the center line.
- Every 5 minutes a goaltender can shank the player of his choice.
- For Goaltender Interference calls, the goaltender can slash that player for 2 minutes straight.
- During the second period a goaltender and player switch positions.
- For every save the goaltender makes he receives a dollar.
- Two goaltenders can cover the net at once.
- Goaltenders can pull themselves and replace themselves with a solid brick wall at any time in the game.
- Goaltenders can set up trip wires around their goal.
- Fox invents a new Fox puck: the magnet puck. The goaltender can then wear metal hockey gear.
- Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
- Is more powerful than a locomotive
- Is faster than a speeding bullet
- Walks on water
- Leaps short buildings with a single bound
- Is more powerful than a switch engine
- Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
- Walks on water if the sea is calm
- Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
- Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
- Is faster than a speeding BB
- Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
- Barely clears a quonset hut
- Loses tug-of-war with a switch engine
- Can fire a speeding bullet
- Swims well
- Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
- Is run over by a locomotive
- Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
- Dog paddles
- Runs into buildings
- Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
- Is not issued ammunition
- Canít stay afloat with life preserver
- Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
- Says "Look at the Choo-choo!"
- Wets himself with a water pistol
- Plays in mud puddles
- Lifts buildings and walks under them
- Kicks locomotives off the tracks
- Catches speeding bullets with his teeth and eats them
- Freezes water with a single glance (who needs a Zamboni?)
Take Your Seats, Please
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats at the Joe Louis Arena. When the usher came by and
noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned, but didn't budge. The usher became
impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the
usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager stood over the
man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the
situation briefly then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where you from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The upper bowl."
A drunk decides to go ice fishing,
so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of
ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.
All of a sudden, a loud, booming voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice!" The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish his hole. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.
"I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God, trying to warn me?"
"No, stupid," the voice replied, "I am the manager of this hockey rink!"
A Stitch In Time . . .
Q: What do hockey players and torn clothing have in common?
A: Just stitch them up and they'll be as good as new!
We Always Suspected . . .
St. Peter and Satan were having an
argument one day about hockey. To settle it, Satan proposed that a game be
played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his
own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the referees!"
Top Signs You're Dating A Hockey Player
Hockey Player Pick-Up Lines
Top Ten Ways To Make Hockey More Interesting
Top Six Qualities Of A Professional Hockey Player
Top Ten Reasons Hockey Is The Best Pastime
What's In A Name?
The Edmonton Oilers have proven that Oil and Stanley Cup contenders are both diminishing resources in the Edmonton area. With this theme in mind, I submit the following possible name changes for the Oilers to better reflect the nature of their play this season.
Lemieux, That Old Turtle . . .
Q: How are Myrtle the Turtle (from a Dr. Seuss story) and Claude Lemieux alike?
A: Myrtle is a turtle while Lemieux does a pretty good impersonation of one!
Top 6 Qualities Of A True Red Wings Fan
What's That Sound?
Q: What's the difference between a plane full of business travellers and a plane full of Montreal Canadiens fans?
A: When the engines on the plane full of business travellers stop, so does the whining sound.
Q: What do former president Richard Nixon and the Detroit Red Wings have in common?
A: They're both dead, and were buried in California! (1994 playoffs)
Can't Beat That!
In court the other day there was a case regarding the custody of a small child.
The judge asked the boy, "Do you want to live with your mother?"
He replied, "No, I don't want to live with her because she beats me!"
The judge then asked, "Do you want to live with your father?"
The boy stated, "No, he beats me, too."
Finally the judge asked, "Where do you want to live?"
The child responded, "I want to live with the Montreal Canadiens!
The judge inquired, "Why do you want to live with the Montreal Canadiens?"
The boy exclaimed, "Because the Montreal Canadiens don't beat anybody!"
Get Up And Dance!
The MacArena is the new sports stadium in San Jose.
Lettuce Play Hockey
An assistant manager at a supermarket was working in produce one day, when a customer walked up and said,
"Can I buy half a head of lettuce?" The assistant manager said, "I'll ask the boss," and left to find him, not realizing that the
customer was following.
"Some moron wants to buy half a head of lettuce," he told the boss, then, noticing the customer standing there, he quickly added, "And this customer would like to buy the other half."
After the situation was resolved, the boss said to the assistant manager, "Say, you're pretty quick on your feet! I'd like you to run one of my stores in Minnesota."
The assistant manager said, "Minnesota! There are only hockey players and hookers in Minnesota!"
"Careful," the boss said, "my wife is from Minnesota."
And the assistant manager quickly replied, "Really? What position did she play?"