Yeah, but did you hear the one about . . . ?


Patrick Roy and Mike Vernon go at it.  Vernie wins.


Goalie Jokes

Pet Peeves of Hockey Goaltenders

  1. Drunk fans who toss Hostess Ding Dongs towards the net.
  2. Players at parties who want to turn mask upside-down and fill it up with bean dip.
  3. Pads give appearance that they have really big butts.
  4. Every day, for the rest of their life, they will not have a good reason for dropping anything ever again.
  5. Frostbite caused by leg split.
  6. When trainer replaces normal water in bottle with sparkling Folgerís Crystals.
  7. Goal judges at away games who constantly make wisecracks about "burning out the goal lamp."
  8. Fans who ask, "Can I have your autograph, Mr. Roy???" (pronounced as itís spelled)
  9. When jealous back-up goalie follows them around in locker room screaming, "Hey, glove THIS, pal!!!"
  10. Smart-Alecs that toss beach balls at the net.
  11. Letting those beach balls in.
  12. Always annoying death threats from opposition upon stopping a 2-1.
  13. Always annoying death threats from teammates upon letting in a 2-1.
  14. Always annoying death threats from fans upon stepping onto the ice.
  15. When you flip the ref the bird behind the blocker, they can't even tell.


Good Things About Being a Hockey Goaltender

  1. Halloween costume? No problem!
  2. Detroit Red Wing goalies look like Santa; can earn extra money during the holidays.
  3. Can check out the babes or guys rinkside without them even knowing.
  4. Slash all you want; they send someone else to the box.
  5. Padding gives the impression youíre really buffed.
  6. Helmet allows you to double as Darth Vader in any upcoming "Star Wars."
  7. Can get inventive nickname like "Eddie."
  8. Bruises can really bring out the color in your eyes.
  9. Two words: Bigger Stick.


20 Fun Things To Do If You're an Ice Hockey Goalie

  1. One word: Salt.
  2. Before the game, secretly switch the green and red light bulbs around.
  3. Slash, hook and spear every opposing player who comes within 3 feet of your crease, then point and laugh at your teammates when they have to go to the box for you.
  4. After you cover the puck, and the ref blows the whistle, quickly put the puck in yours shorts before the ref can pick it up and tell him to "come and get it."
  5. Moon the goal cam.
  6. Get into a shouting match with your stick and then tell the ref you refuse to play until the stick apologizes.
  7. If you're on the bench start giving away all the sticks on the rack to the fans sitting behind you.
  8. Every time an announcement is made over the PA system drop to you knees and start screaming, "Not the voices again!"
  9. Every time the opposing team scores remove one piece of your equipment.
  10. Fill your teammates' water bottles with vodka and watch the fun.
  11. As soon as the trainers finish putting all your equipment on you, say out loud, "Hey, you know what astronauts can do right in their suits?"  Then watch the fun as they scramble to pull the equipment off again.
  12. During the face off, stand next to your defenseman as if you're a skater too.
  13. When someone scores a hat trick, grab all the hats off the ice as you can and stuff them in your jersey.
  14. Using hockey tape, put a large bulls eye in the middle of your chest.
  15. Using hockey tape, put "(Insert name of opponents' enforcer here) Sucks!" on the back of your teammates' jerseys.
  16. Rub Ben Gay on the inside of your teammates' cups.
  17. Pour crazy glue inside your teammates' cups.
  18. When the trainer isn't looking, throw a red sick into the washing machine with the white home jerseys (but make sure to take yours out!)
  19. Before the game starts, go up to the opposing team, start crying, and say, "Please don't score on me!  My coach beats me if I let a puck in!"  Then, when the ref comes to take you back to your crease, start screaming, "No! I don't wanna go!  I don't wanna go!"
  20. Position yourself in front of the goal cam and proceed to scratch your rear end. 


Top Nine Reasons Why You Just Let That One In

  1. Me and my defense got involved in the "Tastes great, less filling" Debate
  2. Tried to read the "Vulcanized" label on the side.
  3. Slipped on this stupid ice; someone should get some salt on that!
  4. Was still laughing at that last list.
  5. Misunderstood "Butterfly Save"; now sad to report one less monarch flying around.
  6. Sun got in my eyes.
  7. Misunderstood use of trapper; let in a goal, but got a lovely fur coat.
  8. Wait, Iím the backup!! Go talk to El-Sieve-o over there!!!
  9. Yeah, like YOU would get in front of that!


Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Goalie

  1. Keeps telling the Goal Judge to "Get ready!"
  2. Mask painted like Malibu Barbie.
  3. On the net with his squeeze bottle is a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
  4. Wearing Magooesque glasses over his mask.
  5. You find him in a fetal position in the corner of the net.
  6. Ice level microphone keeps picking up sounds of him praying.
  7. He's wearing a Virtual Reality mask.
  8. Keeps using his big stick to tenderize meat.
  9. Technique for stopping breakaways: Fake Seizures.
  10. Tries not to get hit by the puck.


Top Ten Ways To Make Goaltending More Interesting

  1. A pool hall is added in the changing room.
  2. A goal crease that extends to the center line.
  3. Every 5 minutes a goaltender can shank the player of his choice.
  4. For Goaltender Interference calls, the goaltender can slash that player for 2 minutes straight.
  5. During the second period a goaltender and player switch positions.
  6. For every save the goaltender makes he receives a dollar.
  7. Two goaltenders can cover the net at once.
  8. Goaltenders can pull themselves and replace themselves with a solid brick wall at any time in the game.
  9. Goaltenders can set up trip wires around their goal.
  10. Fox invents a new Fox puck: the magnet puck.  The goaltender can then wear metal hockey gear.











Hockey Jokes

Take Your Seats, Please

    A man lay sprawled across three entire seats at the Joe Louis Arena.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."  The man groaned, but didn't budge.  The usher became impatient.  "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."  Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.  In a few moments, both the usher and the manager stood over the man.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.  Finally they summoned the police.  The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right, buddy, what's your name?" 
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where you from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The upper bowl."


No Fish

    A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice.  He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole.  All of a sudden, a loud, booming voice comes out of the sky.
"You will find no fish under that ice!"  The drunk looks around, but sees no one.  He starts sawing again.  Once more the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice."  The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul.  He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish his hole.  Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. 
"I have warned you three times now.  There are no fish!"  The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish?  Are you God, trying to warn me?"
"No, stupid," the voice replied, "I am the manager of this hockey rink!"


A Stitch In Time . . .

Q: What do hockey players and torn clothing have in common?

A: Just stitch them up and they'll be as good as new!

We Always Suspected . . .

    St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about hockey.  To settle it, Satan proposed that a game be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. 
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered.  "We've got all the referees!"


Top Signs You're Dating A Hockey Player

  1. Eating the last Fig Newton gets you bodychecked into the fridge.
  2. He's very sensitive on the topic of "stick curvature."
  3. After going out together, makes you line up and shake hands with all his ex-girlfriends.
  4. During arguments he sends you to the penalty box for "2 minutes for ticking me off."
  5. He refuses to valet park the Zamboni.
  6. For breakfast, he hands each kid a spoon and tosses an Eggo in the middle of the table.
  7. Favorite restaurant: Dinner in a Blender.
  8. Talks funny and likes to beat up people, but doesn't come from Alabama.


Hockey Player Pick-Up Lines

  1. "I may be toothless, sweaty, and all black and blue, but I make a mean quiche Loraine."
  2. "Me take you eat."
  3. "Would you like a Zamboni ride?"
  4. "Tho . . . What'th your thighn?"
  5. "We're gonna go beat up Scott Hamilton. Wanna come?"

Top Ten Ways To Make Hockey More Interesting

  1. During playoffs, players dress up as their favorite Ice Capades character.
  2. Canadians must play in bare feet.
  3. All penalty minutes must be served sitting next to that guy who played "Doc" on "The Love Boat."
  4. Just barely visible under ice: frozen body of Walt Disney.
  5. Replace Zamboni with Ford Bronco.
  6. "Your New Jersey Devils starting goalie--Miss Katharine Hepburn!"
  7. New snack bar item: player's missing teeth dipped in fudge.
  8. Every team roster must include one lesser known cast member from "The Love Boat."
  9. Only guys named Stanley get to wear a cup.
  10. Let Michael Jordan take a crack at it.



Top Six Qualities Of A Professional Hockey Player

  1. You don't know what electrolytes are, but you know that there are some in Gatorade.
  2. Icing is not the sweet stuff on a cake.
  3. Seeing flashing red lights anywhere gets you excited.
  4. (Goaltenders Only) You go down into butterfly position when your friend tosses you the last Ding Dong.
  5. (Skaters Only) You bodycheck your friend into the wall when they try to take the last Ding Dong.
  6. You have to keep explaining to people why you are always looking for "Stanley."


Top Ten Reasons Hockey Is The Best Pastime

  1. Hockey is the last remnant of the Roman Coliseum Rulebook without actually having to sit through pro-wrestling.
  2. Baseball. Get serious.
  3. Real men don't wear figure skates.
  4. Golf. Hmm. This one's a toss up.  Both sports involve knocking a hard rubber object into a target with a carbon-graphite stick while wearing hideous clothing.
  5. Cinemas, while somehow just as cold as hockey arenas, just can't achieve the same enthusiasm levels.  (And no funky chicken.)
  6. Better sound effects than even the coolest computers.
  7. Boxing is arguably the same sport, but those wimps do it without skates.
  8. Just not enough violence in football.
  9. Stamp-collecting is for referees.
  10. When's the last time you went to the ballet and a really good fight broke out?



NHL Jokes

What's In A Name?

The Edmonton Oilers have proven that Oil and Stanley Cup contenders are both diminishing resources in the Edmonton area.  With this theme in mind, I submit the following possible name changes for the Oilers to better reflect the nature of their play this season.


Lemieux, That Old Turtle . . .

Q: How are Myrtle the Turtle (from a Dr. Seuss story) and Claude Lemieux alike?

A: Myrtle is a turtle while Lemieux does a pretty good impersonation of one!

Top 6 Qualities Of A True Red Wings Fan

  1. You think that March 26 should be declared a national holiday.
  2. Octopi and hockey go together like hot dogs and baseball.
  3. You cheered for Canada, Sweden, or maybe even Russia at the 1998 Winter Olympics even though you're an American.
  4. You changed your car tires to winged wheels.
  5. You blacken out one of your front teeth every day so you can look just like Stevie Y.
  6. You actually knocked out one of your front teeth so you can look just like Stevie Y.


What's That Sound?

Q: What's the difference between a plane full of business travellers and a plane full of Montreal Canadiens fans?

A: When the engines on the plane full of business travellers stop, so does the whining sound.

Presidential Funeral

Q:  What do former president Richard Nixon and the Detroit Red Wings have in common?

A:  They're both dead, and were buried in California! (1994 playoffs)

Can't Beat That!

In court the other day there was a case regarding the custody of a small child.
The judge asked the boy, "Do you want to live with your mother?"
He replied, "No, I don't want to live with her because she beats me!"
The judge then asked, "Do you want to live with your father?"
The boy stated, "No, he beats me, too."
Finally the judge asked, "Where do you want to live?"
The child responded, "I want to live with the Montreal Canadiens!
The judge inquired, "Why do you want to live with the Montreal Canadiens?"
The boy exclaimed, "Because the Montreal Canadiens don't beat anybody!"


Get Up And Dance!

The MacArena is the new sports stadium in San Jose.


Lettuce Play Hockey

    An assistant manager at a supermarket was working in produce one day, when a customer walked up and said, "Can I buy half a head of lettuce?"  The assistant manager said, "I'll ask the boss," and left to find him, not realizing that the customer was following.  
    "Some moron wants to buy half a head of lettuce," he told the boss, then, noticing the customer standing there, he quickly added, "And this customer would like to buy the other half."
    After the situation was resolved, the boss said to the assistant manager, "Say, you're pretty quick on your feet!  I'd like you to run one of my stores in Minnesota."
    The assistant manager said, "Minnesota!  There are only hockey players and hookers in Minnesota!"
    "Careful," the boss said, "my wife is from Minnesota."
    And the assistant manager quickly replied, "Really? What position did she play?"